woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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