"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Someone shattered a urinal.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
