Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
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Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
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We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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