I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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