Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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