i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
