you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
