that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
