When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
