Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
