I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
