Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
