i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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