My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
