I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
