Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
