Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
