Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I just want nice things and good sex
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
