I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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