You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
We got so high we made milksteak
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
