Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
