There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Randomize
