I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
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Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
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I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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