My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
They have beer where we have blood.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
