I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
