I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.