I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?