I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
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My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You Wouldn’t Guess That These 25 Celebrities Are Complete A**holes
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
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