I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
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Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
It's shark week go big or go home
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex