I'm eating all of the evidence.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
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You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
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Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
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