I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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