i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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