I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I think my vagina is haunted
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
