I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
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