if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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