i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
