good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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