Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
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You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
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I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
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