then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
