I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
