its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
