I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
