So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
