love makes seman taste better
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize