At least make sure they are 18
Why
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
