my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
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