He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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