I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
