There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
she told me i tasted like america
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
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im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
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I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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