So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
