my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
