He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Dignity is for republicans.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
