my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I need to stop coming to work sober
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
