fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
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The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
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He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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