I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
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Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
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He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.