I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
