y did u give ur computer a hand job?
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
