he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
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